Improving Your Relationship in Less than 10 Minutes a WeekIt is so important that we have a focus on positivity in our relationship. Our brains are designed to keep us safe. By design, we encode and remember more vividly the negative and hurtful things that we experience. This is why after a great vacation the wonderful feel of the warm sun and the expansive views of natural beauty soon begin to fade but that surly TSA agent is burned into our memory and we can recall that experience with great detail and feeling weeks after our return. Survival is of course great, but if we want to be truly alive we have to override this normal and natural brain function. If we only focus on problems, then we naturally will begin to see more problems to the point that we even make up problems. When we focus on the positive and what we love and appreciate about in our partner, we will begin to see even more to love and appreciate. When we feel connected and infused with love and positivity, we have more patience and grace for one another’s humanness and we deepen our reserves to tackle the more difficult conversations. Positive Flooding Click on Positive Flooding for your free PDF download Positive Flooding is a wonderful experience for infusing your relationship with positivity. Think of it as a love shower where one partner shares their love, admiration and gratitude for the other.
Take some time to list what you love, admire, appreciate and feel grateful for about your partner. List at least 3 for each. Physical Characteristics Example: I love your silky skin. Personality Traits: Example: I am grateful for your patience. Behaviors: Example: I appreciate when you bring me coffee in bed. Global Affirmations: Use the superlative ie. You are the greatest…the most amazing… in the whole entire world/universe. It is okay to do only one or two of the Global Affirmations. Example: You are the greatest partner anyone could ever have and I am the luckiest person in the whole wide world to have you in my life. When you are ready to experience the flooding: #1 Decide who will be the one to give and who will be the one to receive the positive flooding. #2 The receiver of the positive flooding sits in a spot where their partner can walk around them as they shower the receiver with love and gratitude. #3 The giver of positive flooding will begin to walk around their partner and share what they love and appreciate about their partner. Start with Physical Characteristics; then Personality Traits; then Behaviors; then Global Affirmations. Start out with your regular voice and then raise it to a happy shout when you say the Global Affirmations. As you walk around your partner, you can move slowly and keep contact, as you are able, with their shoulders and back. #4 To end, stop in front of your partner and say in your loudest voice three times: "I LOVE YOU." Do this with a lot of energy and enthusiasm and an impromptu cheer is always a nice addition. #5 Give each other a hug and enjoy the glow! Do this once a week. You can even go just one way each week and alternate weeks. A note for the receiver. As you listen to your partner flooding you, take it in. Smile. This is especially important if it is uncomfortable for you to hear nice things about yourself. Just notice what is happening for you and be sure to continue to take in what your partner is saying. Being a good receiver is also a great gift. A note for the giver. Be careful not to mix criticism in with the appreciation. We can often in subtle and not so subtle ways fold a complaint into our appreciation. Examples: I love it when you don’t leave the toilet seat up. Here the complaint of leaving the toilet seat up has been referenced. Also it is important to focus on what you do appreciate and want more of rather than what you don’t want. Another example: I love how much more kind you are now. This is a subtler reference to a time when the partner was not so kind. It is important to focus on what you are appreciating, even if there are times when that behavior is not happening. The double gift. Like much of the work of Imago Relationship Therapy and Encounter Centered Couples Therapy, this is a double gift. What we give we also receive. So, the person doing the showering of love is not only infusing their partner and their relationship with love and gratitude, they also personally benefit from the important messages and goodwill they are sharing. Positive Flooding is used in Imago Relationship Therapy and is enjoyed in Getting the Love You Want Couples Weekend Workshops all over the world. It is one of many ways of connecting positively with your partner.
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AuthorAmy Blake LCSW Specializes in Private Couples Intensives, Couples Workshops, and Couples Counseling. She is a leader in promoting and providing Continuing Education for Mental Health Care Professionals. . Archives
February 2018
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