“I want to have sex every day!”
“That sounds horrible. I really only have time and energy, not to mention desire, about once a week!” “Once a WEEK? We haven’t had sex in 2 months! I’d be happy with once a week. You’re not attracted to me any more, are you? I don’t think I can do this anymore. I just can’t hear you say no again. If you ever feel like sex, you just let me know, I won’t be initiating anymore.” “Of course I’m still attracted to you, but I’m tired after work, and it sure doesn’t help that you pressure me all the time.” I’ll bet you’ve worked with a couple like this. Many couples experience desire issues at one time or another, and, like the couple in our example, each partner is likely to make meaning of it that is damaging to the relationship. With this issue, distress tends to run deep. We need to let go of the idea that a perfect couple means two souls seamlessly melding into one. The key to a long lasting and fulfilling partnership is not perfectly matched libidos or perfectly coordinated personalities. It's the ability to tolerate and even take delight in the ways in which you and your partner are different, to draw close while still honoring your unique selves. Every relationship has a desire discrepancy of one kind or another, and not just about sexual desire. A couple might have a desire discrepancy about, e.g., how clean the house must be, how much money must be saved, or whether aging relatives move in at the end of life. Yet couples and therapists tend to struggle to help with sexual desire discrepancies much more than any of the myriad other ways in which couples experience differences. There is nothing more normal and expectable than that couples should have different levels of desire. But this doesn't mean that desire discrepancies don't cause a lot of distress, when couples aren't equipped to handle them. Sex is a deeply sensitive subject. Because sex feels so vulnerable, a person is much more likely to feel hurt and make damaging meaning of it when things don’t go as planned. For instance, many people feel rejected, unloved, pushed away, like a bad partner, not a real (insert gender here), and so on. Most of us don’t question our very being when our spouse forgets to vacuum. When treating clients who struggle with this problem, normalizing desire discrepancy is an important early step. Clients often don’t realize they have grappled with and probably resolved desire discrepancies in other spheres; they can do it here too! A difference in desire for sex is not a sign that the relationship is broken, but rather a completely healthy consequence of the individuality of human beings. Click Here for additional Training Information
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AuthorAmy Blake LCSW Specializes in Private Couples Intensives, Couples Workshops, and Couples Counseling. She is a leader in promoting and providing Continuing Education for Mental Health Care Professionals. . Archives
February 2018
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